Damn! why I never sense the vibe

Couple of days ago, I had afternoon coffee with Gerald and Nanthinee - my closest friends on campus. We sat down and had chat for almost three hours. Mainly, we talked about relationships. Out of nowhere, I told them that K called me last week and talked to me almost an hour. K is our friend on campus but we are not really close to him. He asked me to have lunch with him, as a return because I helped him throughout the semester. Without hesitation, I agreed to it and said to him and I would bring Gerald and Nanthinee to join with us.

I had not thought it would matter that much until Gerald brought this issue to the surface.
"Why don't u just reject the offer, and saying that he does not owe you anything", said Gerald
"Why would I do that? I'm just being friendly", I response
"Yeah well, I'm afraid he misunderstood you. Cmon, he talked to you almost an hour. Don't you think it's weird", said Gerald
"Don't be to alarmed. He knows I'm in relationship. So I guess, that misunderstanding you're talking about is not true", I argued
"What kind of conversation, you actually had with him over the phone?", he asked
"Just simple conversation like you guys and I always have", I answered
"Did you talk alot about your boyfriend?", he interrogate me
"No.. cos he did not ask"
"That's the point! you don't have picture of your bf and u on facebook, you dont talk alot about your bf. He might think that you lied that you're in relationship or he suspect that you are not serious." He explains....
"Oh my God, I'm just being friendly. That's it! Like I'm being friendly to you guys"
"I know you're friendly, but do not be too friendly. It's not good Mirna. We are closer to you and we know you, that's why we never misunderstood you. but he is not close to you so, perhaps there's slightly chance that he get your response the wrong way", said Gerald

Nanthinee added, "Yeah I guess, you need to step back little bit. Hey you know, I helped him too but he does not ask me!!"
Gerald, "See! that's what I'm talking about. Just limit your phone conversation next time he calls you. Well hopefully, I'm wrong. But I suspect he might have feeling for you or even worse, he just want to get you in bed!"
"Hey! don't scare me by saying that", I said
"I dont scare you, just alarm you. Hey, remember when you had the psycho guy chasing after you, you couldn't stop him until you stop being friendly to him", Gerald said.


Why I would never be able to sense the vibe when guys has crush on me. It happen quite often since junior high. I never realized it until my friends told me that. My friends were the ones who can feel the vibe if there was guy liking me. Because of "this lack of talent", I had been snapped with one of my friends in high school. He said to me in front of my class mates, "Hey Mirna, I like you alot" and I was laughing and laughing....while everyone was quite and staring at me furiously. I said to him, "Well thanks, that's quite funny". "Hey, be serious!! Don't take this as a joke cos I'm deadly serious saying this to you!" he angered. I was stoned for a while. I thought he was joking cos most of time, he always made a joke and I did not feel that he liked me.

Before I was in relationship with my bf, I did not sense the vibe too!! until my bestfriend, Rina told me.
She asked me on the day after I had him coming over to my house, "So how was it?".
"It was nice and we talked alot, he went home quite late at 11", I answered
"huh? what time he came to your house?", she asked
"Around 7, I guess. Why?"
"I think he likes you, he enjoys talking to you" she said
"Oh no no no.....he did that because I'm his bestfriend's sister"
"Ah..don't be stupid! you will soon find out that he likes you. Trust me", She replied

She was right.
Gee,are Gerald and Nathinee right that I need to get more lessons on "how to sense the vibe"?

Fool in love or Fall in Love?

Love...
I guess no one would never understand it. We say it almost quite often, yet it is still undefined. It makes a mess with our life and complicates everything.


Is it true that this heart has its own mind? if so, is this a reason why someone doesn't think logically ? Perhaps, before love knocking on our doors, we know what it's right and wrong. Suddenly when it comes and visits us, we really can't see the fine line between right and wrong. Even thou, we know what's right and wrong, sometimes we refuse to do something if our hearts do not go with it.

Recently, one of my friends has an affair with a married guy. Even worse, she slept with him - more than once. So I guess, most of us will say that what she did was wrong. She knows that it was something wrong to do, but her feeling won't let her get out from this situation since she likes this guy so much. Is this fool in love? or fall in love?

I don't blame her for the feeling she has to the married guy, cos everyone has right to fall in love with every kind of human. But, I blame her for her inappropriate and intolerable behavior - she's too way out of the line.


Few years back, I had feeling to one guy for seven years. Most of the time in our relationship, he ignored me, as I was nothing to him. But still I was so foolishly fall in love him, and believing that he would change someday. That day would never happened. All my friends told me that I was such a fool. That time, I knew I was fool but still can't get away from him. My heart ruled everything.

So is it right? we become foolish person when we fall in love? Love makes us strong, yet others love could weakens us. So, Are we in the fool or love path?

A women with hundred children

Kuberi tahu kamu tentang impianku
Impian yang mungkin membuat kamu tertawa
Akan kubangun sebuah negeri seindah dongeng
Dan hanya keperuntukkan bagi putra-putri teristimewa

That's what I want to be...
A woman with hundreds children
Aku tidak ingin menjadi mereka yang diatas sana
Mereka yang sibuk mempertebal dinding
dan berceloteh apa aja yang sudah menjadi miliknya
Mereka cuman sekumpulan manusia yang tidak berguna

******

Dear Diary...
Hari ini, aku mengatakan pada salah seorang temanku -"Aku ingin membantu anak-anak yatim, tapi entah mulai darimana?" Tanpa disangka, dia pun bercerita bahwa dia pernah membantu anak-anak di bawah jembatan kereta cuman kekurangan koordinasi. Singkatnya kita benar-benar begitu semangat terlibat pembicaraan ini dengan segala planning yang ada.

Beberapa bulan yang lalu, aku sempat datangin empat yayasan yatim piatu di Probolinggo, sekedar untuk membagikan bingkisan kecil. Bingkisan kecil ini isinya cukup sederhana saja; Oreo, Biskuat, Pepsodent, Sikat gigi, Shampo dan Sabun. Tidak menyangka reaksi mereka cukup mengembirakan, ada yang terlihat masih kecil sibuk memilih warna sikat gigi - "mau kuning atau biru ya?" menanyakan ke salah satu teman perempuannya yang sedikit lebih bongsor dari dia. Momen itu untuk sementara seakan membuat waktu itu berhenti. Entah kenapa dada ini rasanya sesak, sesak untuk menahan tangis. Susah untuk dijelaskan perasaan waktu itu, mungkin perasaan yang bisa aku ungkapin dengan cara paling sederhana-pun adalah "I love these children". Dan Keinginan untuk berbagi pun semakin kuat.

Seandainya kamu bisa melihat langsung, anak-anak ini benar-benar mensyukuri apa yang mereka punya. Ketiadaan orang tua membuat mereka seakan-akan mengisi satu sama lain. Banyak dari mereka yang tidak merasakan kehadiran figur seorang ayah atau ibu. Seandainya aku adalah mereka, aku tidak akan mungkin sekuat mereka untuk hidup di dunia ini. Tidak ada orang yang bisa menceritakan betapa lucu nya mereka ketika masih lahir atau bagaimana nakalnya mereka ketika mulai bisa berjalan. Bersyukur, aku masih punya ayah dan ibu untuk menceritakan itu semua. Tapi bagi mereka seakan akan mereka tiba-tiba berada di asrama tanpa ada sejarah apapun.

Perasaan yang samapun ada ketika melihat anak-anak mengemis dan mengamen di traffic light. Selalu aku beri sedekah yang berlebih, Rp. 1000 -1,500. Mungkin kebanyakan orang-orang cuman memberi koin - mungkin karena menurut kemampuan aja. Tapi setidaknya buat orang yang agak berlebih, tidak pantas memberi Rp. 100,-buat mereka. Mau makan apa dengan segitu, walaupun mereka banyak mengumpulkan uang koin hasil dari mengemis atau mengamen. Tapi jika dilihat dari bagaimana mereka mendapatkan semua itu - panas-panas, tidak beralas kaki - alangkah lebih baik memberi sesuatu yang lebih.

Jika memang dalam masa depan, impianku ini terwujud maka benar yang dulu papa bilang. Papa pernah bilang, "Suatu saat nanti kamu akan menjadi orang yang punya kepekaan sosial yang tinggi. Dan bukan tidak mungkin, akan banyak orang bawah yang akan kamu rangkul". Maybe I do not have much money to accommodate all of them, but I know I have a big heart and that is a good start

Ini seperti cita-cita untukku dan berharap sekali untuk mewujudkannya. Karena hal yang seperti ini yang bisa memberi rasa bahagia untuk aku dan bernilai tinggi sebagai manusia. Rasanya apa yang aku punya sekarang, ga ada gunanya kalau tidak dibuat untuk membantu orang lain. Sedari kecil, aku selalu mengeluh kenapa harus dilahirkan dari keluarga mampu (view this post). And my brother always tells me, “You have to be proud of who you are and what you have. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe you have what you have now because God knows what you are capable of and how your heart is. Rich is good. Rich and Giving is blessing”. Sekarang, aku mengerti apa maksudnya.

Orang kaya tidak ada artinya jika dia cuman sekedar kaya. Keluarga aku memang keluarga mampu, tapi kami bukan keluarga penikmat. Yang maksudnya, apa yang kita dapat tidak kita makan sendiri. Aku ingin suatu saat nanti, aku bisa diberikan rejeki yang banyak dan halal sehingga bisa memberikan lebih banyak dari apa yang sekarang orang tuaku berikan ke mereka. I should love them like my own brothers, sisters and my own children.

ps: Ren, lets make it come true

So long, my friends...

Dear Diary...

Is there anything such 'forever friend'?
Here, in Melbourne, seems hard to find....

Temen smua pada komentar kenapa aku ga tinggal disini lebih lama. Aku sebenernya pengen tanya "buat apa?". Toh, aku ga punya life disini..kecuali sosialisasi dengan teman-teman di kampus dan jadinya aku lebih dekat dengan mereka smua.

Entahlah.. kayaknya aku udah jauh dari temen-temenku yang dulu dan mereka juga jauh dari satu sama laen. Jarang kontak emang..walaupun telpon rasanya uda ga nyambung lagi. Aku emang sibuk ma kuliah dan mereka terutama sibuk kerja dan ada yang ngurusin keluarganya sendiri.

Minggu maren, sempet ada yang aku ajak ke library. tapi dia ternyata ga bisa karena butuh ngerjain tugas nya druma tapi dia bakal ngabarin lagi ( dan waktu itu aku yakin kalo dia pasti juga ga bisa). at start, it's fine by me. Tapi yang buat aku sedikit bete setelah dia ninggalin pesan offline di messanger bilang kalo dia bener2 ga bisa dengan alasan yang berbeda. It's just like......!@#$%^&* I dunno.....


Well, a week after that...
she was calling me and I did not pick it up
She was texting me and I did not reply her back
Just not in the mood of talking to anyone at the moment..
I was stuffed up with dozen of assignments


Kalo dulu aku berusaha mempertahankan semuanya supaya mereka tetep ada didalam lingkaran hidup aku. tapi sekarang, aku merasa malas untuk ngelakuin itu smua.. Just go with the flow.. I'm not gonna do anything more than this...

Semua ini buat aku yakin kalo, it's better to coming home
karena disini, aku tidak mempunyai apa yang disebut keluarga
All of them have loved ones here, either boyfriends, husband which they can share everything expecially time..
tapi untungnya, I still have 2 crazy housemates and 3 great friends on campus....
yang sedikit buat aku betah disini...

Aku pulang ke Indonesia tgl 20-an July. Aku masi punya waktu kosong selama 1.5 bulan untuk nikmatin waktu2 terakhir di melbourne. Bersama teman-temanku yg di kampus, kita uda mulai planning mau ngapain aja.. Sekarang yang aku rasain, jika aku meninggalkan Melbourne.. mereka lah yang aku kangenin. Rasanya bakal kangen gimana stress nya kita ngerjain group project, kangen belajar bareng, kangen gosipin orang2 di kampus, kangen lunch bareng....I think I'll be missing those moments

Aku tahu bahwa seharusnya aku ga terlalu cepat untuk mempunyai feeling "so long my friend"..but I just cant help it

I'm sorry

I might never have a relationship with you, but you started a memorable story in my life.
You might not never realize that u were the first person who showed what love was
Lets freeze the time for a while, have your mind set back in fifteen years ago
Those letters that you gave to me, I'm really sorry that I never replied them
I just didn't have the bravery to write the answer for you
I didn't even have guts to admit what I felt, I kept denying to my childhood friends

If you asked me, I still remember what the letters said
I still remember the moment when I caught you looking at me
I can tell you, It was a breathless moment
I didn't wanna speak to you closer, Cos I was afraid that u would hear my heartbeat
I'm sorry for not telling you this fifteen years back
I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for changing the plot

But, finally you found me again. It has been years after we lost in contact.
I just wanna say thank you to you...
whether that post in your blog was made for me or not, it was very touching
I'm really proud to know that you have became much better as a man

Here today at this moment in time....I wanna say to you,
I'd been praying to have the best man for my life , now I have him already
Now all I can do is to pray for your happiness in this life,
Hoping God will bring a someone that create the best things to your life
Meanwhile, If you feel lonely sometimes....let me know
I, once used to be the lost friend will become the best-friend you can depend on

Blast from the Past

Dear Diary,

I'm sick - really really sick. Sudah seminggu badan ini rasanya ga fit. Ini gara-gara virus yang disebarkan ama si Rita!!!. Dan badan ini kayaknya butuh istirahat soalnya selalu aku pake lembur buat ngerjain tugas-tugas kuliah. Awal mulanya panas dalam, terus batuk2 abis itu suaraku hilang!! Oh my God! padahal aku ada presentasi 4 minggu berturut turut dan bukan hanya itu, namanya pilek dan demam dateng pergi se-enaknya.

Kalo sakit kayak gini yang paling khawatir itu papa en cowokku. Kenapa mama engga ya? kalo aku sakit - yang sering hubungin itu papa dan cowokku. Pertanyaan yg dilontarkan pun sama; "udah makan?", "udah minum obat?", "udah mendingan?", "ga usah kuliah, istirahat aja dirumah". Pagi2 tadi aja, cowok gw udah sms. Padahal kalo aku nya lagi sehat gitu, dia baru nyari aku malem hari. Cuman itu aja enaknya kalo sakit. Oh iya, Si dephee baek banget beliin obat dan Yuli yang nawarin untuk nganterin makanan ke rumah. Thanks a million girls! aku berasa udah hidup di panti jompo 0_0.


Tadi malem parah abis, aku ga bisa tidur sama sekali. Mata ini udah ngantuk mulai jam 11, tapi batukknya ga bisa berhenti sedikitpun - semenit pun engga. Jadinya dada nya berasa sakit banget mungkin karena terlalu banyak batuk kali ya. Sekitar jam 1 am, hpku berbunyi. "one message received". Aku sih berpikir kalo itu pasti cowokku. Ternyata bukan. Sms dari orang laen. Nih anak selalu ga terduga kedatangannya.

Sender: ArdhaJelek
Received 00.34.53 - 050907
Message: Pa kabar ndut? aku udah pulang latian raider ne

akhirnya aku bales,
Sender: Mirna
Message: Ndat ndut!! Kmu ga salah kirim sms ta? kmu kayak hilang ditelan bumi. Eh ternyata alhamdulilah masi hidup.

Bip..bip (Hp ku bunyi lagi)
Sender: ArdhaJelek
Message: Ya iyalah hilang lah wong latian mbakyu cari duit - looking for money. Kalo ga makan opo? ga pulang? kpn selse kuliahnya?

Dan aku bales,
Sender: Mirna
Message: Halah, kamu makan yo yang biayai negara. kecuali ngidupin anak istri. Insya allah aku pulang november, kalo lancar kuliah baru selse juni taon depan.

Setelah itu dia ga bales lagi. Aku jadi inget, beberapa hari lalu aku sempet mimpiin dia dan kembarannya, ardhi. Eh ternyata, tadi malem tuh anak sms. Aku dan Ardha dulu punya cerita, 7 tahun lalu. Dia seseorang dari masa lampau. Akhirnya aku iseng buka frezter, ada message dari temen lama

From: Merisya
Subject: Re.....
Date: Tuesday, 4 September, 2007 10:54 PM
Message: ........., eh mir, tau ga...selama aku di malang ini aku jd sering keluar ama mas nya sonda....hahahhaha....tp tenang dulu jgn bergosip coz aku ga ada apa2 ama tuh playboy....cuma tukang anter aku pengen kemana aja...hehehe gak sopan...


Oh mi God! Sondaa...??? Heraldo Taba Sonda??? He was my first boyfriend and ardha was the second. I'm wondering where he is now...

Dulu ada kejadian lucu. Ardha ma Sonda ga kenal satu sama laen. Ardha orang surabaya dan Sonda dari probolinggo. Mereka ga sengaja ketemu di AD. Sama-sama taruna. Ada yang bilang ke Ardha kalo Sonda dari probolinggo.

Iseng2 aja si Ardha nyamperin, "dari probolinggo ya?"
Sonda bilang, "Iya bener"
Ardha -- "Kenal ama yang namanya Mirna?"
Sonda -- "Iya kenal, itu mantanku, anaknya nawawi kan?"
Ardha rada kaget, "mantan?" masak kebetulan banget sih,, akhirnya ardha ngeluarin fotoku dari dalem dompetnya

Ardha -- "Apa bener mirna yang ini?" sambil nunjukin fotoku
Sonda -- "Loh iya yang ini, Mirna. mantanku waktu smp"
Ardha -- "Laaaaaahhhh,......ini mantanku juga waktu sma"

Akhirnya ketauan dan critanya sampe satu asrama
Cerita itu udah 5 taun yang lalu..
Yah ga tau kenapa tiba2 pengen dicurhatin ke buku harian... dari pada di tempat tidur mulu ngerasain sakit nya badan ini.....